Our initial forays into mail order have thrown up more than a few unexpected quandaries, dilemmas and conundrums. And inevitably a rich vein of material for the FUQ (Frequently Unasked Questions) section of our website: that most helpful of Help sections addressing queries which potential buyers should raise prior to purchase – but sadly do not.
Designed, as ever, to save the hard-of-thinking from themselves – and YT from an otherwise inexorable descent into alcoholism, madness and ultimately a custodial sentence – the following mail order FUQs could prove helpful for our … less literate consumers. First up….
* What does “Pic for illustration only” mean? *
In a world where folk generally either can’t or won’t read, a picture’s worth a thousand words. Or so we are told. But photos carry with them their own sets of challenges… for the challenged.
Take, by way of example, the gentleman who was most distressed upon receiving the £29.95 rod pod that he purchased to have been (in his words) “mugged off” because we did not include in his postfree order, three fishing rods, three reels, and three bite alarms.
Of course, had our tormentor been blessed with the reading abilities of a newborn pygmy goat, he’d have known this; but alas…
Hey ho. For the benefit of anyone who is incapable of reading an ad in its entirety (to be fair – our listings can include up to 30 words):
Each listing relates only to the product specified in the title. Neither the model nor the moon, sky nor lake is included in the deal UNLESS OTHERWISE SPECIFIED.
OK? Good. Next…
* Why do you charge for postage, when other sellers deliver FOC? *
A tricksy one, no? Well, actually, no. First up, we charge Recommended Retail Prices for our products. We do not load our prices to allow for ‘free’ post.
And Amazon Prime we are not; we do not operate a fleet of vehicles.
Rather, we are at the mercy of the courier companies who – in case you missed the memo – are all short of drivers. So, estimated delivery times are just that: estimated.
Consequently, and for the avoidance of doubt: your goods will not arrive the day before you thought about ordering them.
And to the disgruntled customer who advised us to “grow a pair and chivvy them [in this case, UPS] along”, I would simply pose the question: to whom, precisely, should we wag the proverbial finger?
Because the help forums, FAQs, “Computer says ‘No’ ” chav-bots (they’re like chat bots – but less articulate) and Bangalore-based call centre operators that represent our sole point of contact with these logistical leviathans appear unmoved. Rather like your order.
* Why did your driver leave my parcel up a tree / in next door’s bin / in a skip / in the middle of the High Street? *
Once again, and with feeling: THEY ARE NOT ‘OUR’ DRIVERS.
And in response to the inevitable follow-up – Why do you insist on using (yes – I’ll name them) EVRI? – the answer is: because you are not prepared to pay for an arguably more reliable (undeniably more costly) delivery service. Simples.
* Why don’t it look nuffing like the picture? *
Setting aside your tenuous grasp on grammar (in particular,. the ubiquitous and grating double negative): like the majority (and shrinking number) of UK tackle dealers, we don’t have professional product photographers and videographers on staff.
So we use the pics and vids provided by the brands themselves.
Apropos: you might also bear in mind that we only *sell* the products – we don’t build them. Which means, when you submit your store review, you are (or should be) reviewing our service; not the product’s aesthetic, form or functionality.
Meaning informed and insightful observations along the lines of “This product is shi…” might be best shared elsewhere.
And this of itself raises an interesting paradox: you see, whilst the average punter appears incapable even of elementary-level reading, they’re perfectly happy to air their indignation by hammering the bejeezus out of their keyboards, when they fall victim to their own stupidity.
All of which I believe could be avoided, quickly, easily and at low or no cost: Just sign up to an adult education course – something along the lines of ‘Understanding basic English’.
You’d then be able to READ THE AD. And everything else will slot neatly into place.
(Note: If someone you know is an idiot – affected by the foregoing issues, and incapable of reading any of the longer words – be sure to request an audio version of this handy guide, priced at just £15.95 *PLUS POSTAGE*.)
