You’re doubtless familiar with Charles Darwin: the renowned biologist, geologist, naturalist and (quite possibly) scratch golfer, whose masterwork, “On The Origin Of The Species”, is generally regarded as the foundation of evolutionary biology.
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In short, ‘Origin’ (as we scientifically-minded sorts refer to it) holds that populations evolve through natural selection – which, nowadays, all but the most Trumpian of toothless banjo-fingerers accept as fact.
But here’s the rub: The term ‘survival of the fittest’ – Darwin’s assertion that “organisms best adjusted to their environment are the most successful in surviving and reproducing” – was actually coined over 150 years ago. And it’s out of date.
Indeed, thanks to a particularly insidious virus originating across the pond, and now reaching epidemic proportions in the UK, this once overarching principle of evolution no longer applies.
I’m not talking here about H5N1 – the strain of Avian flu that has now, we are told, ’jumped species’; nor do I mean COVID 19 (which, let’s face it, is so ‘last year’).
Rather, I refer to the collection of vile and utterly repugnant pathogens code-named (well, by me, anyway) NWNFL. That is: No Win No Fee lawyers; those ambulance chasing parasites whose sole raison d’etre is to line their own pockets by encouraging the most inept among us – individuals utterly bereft of intellect, moral fortitude and indeed pride – to pursue specious lawsuits based on accidents and injuries resulting from their own idiocy.
Just a few such examples (experienced, fortunately, not by us, but by others of our acquaintance) include:
The guest who failed to recognise that a hot tap might dispense… hot water (and so cause scalding).
Another, that a roadway might occasionally be used by motor vehicles (which, by dint of mass and velocity, generally have the edge over pedestrians).
A third, that deep water might be, well, deep (and is thus best avoided by people who cannot swim).
Oh, and who knew that, despite their undeniable transparency, glass doors can’t actually be walked through.
And ideally should not be licked.
Madness, right?
But these days, the possibility, however remote, of being on the receiving end of such bogus claims necessitates that companies of every size and stripe, us now included, devote disproportionate amounts of time and effort writing risk assessments, developing systems and procedures, creating and deploying signage, and so on – rather than, let’s say, growing our businesses; looking after our guests, paying wages, supporting local economies… that kind of stuff.
All of which, call me out of step, I’d consider more worthy endeavours.
But the impact of this ‘pandemic of the pathetic’ is more profound than it may, at first, appear.
In my opinion, No Win No Fee Lawyers have rendered natural selection all but obsolete; effectively rewarding acts of ineptitude that might previously have seen off those of a more knuckle-dragging persuasion, the pinnacle of whose contribution to modern life, barring a reboot of The Jeremy Kyle Show, is today limited to rabid rants about potholes, minor royals and small boats on GB News phone-ins.
So, what’s to be done?
Well, eugenics being currently off the table (until I come to power, anyway), we are forced to harness a second ‘dependent’ virus to nullify the first.
This latter pathogen, the Health & Safety Consultant, owes its existence largely to an increasingly litigious society; but it’s the lesser of two evils: put simply, if you have the former, you shouldn’t need to worry about the latter.
For a fee the scale of which would make even Bodger Johnson blush, said consultants will provide their hapless customers with an overblown boilerplate report, encapsulating the bleedin’ obvious – not to keep guests out of harm’s way, you understand; but to keep us out of court.
Thus it is, following their recommendations, our once green and pleasant site is now decorated less with bulbs, flowers and fairy lights, than with HSE-endorsed health and safety warnings – included amongst which you’ll find:
* A succession of ‘Caution – steep bank’, ‘slippery surface’, ‘muddy bank’ and ‘trip hazard’ notices.
* Further such notices alerting guests to the presence of the above notices (which may of themselves represent trip hazards).
* Instructions to accompany all BBQs and fire pits – explaining why they are not to be used in the canvas bell tents. Or sat on whilst lit.
* Usage guides for cutlery and other utensils, highlighting the folly of inserting same into eyes, bottoms, etc..
* And even … Illuminated signs informing would-be burglars that our security system includes a smoke cloak – which might otherwise result in their walking into one of our Tegometall displays (some of which have quite sharp edges), so hindering their ability to load up the van before the rozzers deign to make an appearance.
And on and on. Oh, and for the record (you’ll love this): those smoke cloak notices have to be positioned on our roof, as this is where said ’tea-leaves’ are most likely to gain ingress. I sh*t you not.
Of course, it would not be possible to preempt every means and method by which folk lacking in any meaningful mental acuity can do themselves harm. But I like to think, following extensive brainstorming sessions (fuelled by quite staggering quantities of Californian Merlot – my ‘coping mechanism’ of choice) we’ve identified the most likely problem areas.
And hey; every silver lining and all that: following this latest instalment in the development of our nascent glamping operation, I have resolved to pen a well-past-due update to ‘On the origin of the species’ .
My contribution will reflect the seemingly unstoppable spread of the NWNFL virus, and the shamelessly amoral incompetents who have become its beneficiaries; many of whom, despite nature’s best efforts, will now continue to survive and thrive.
In fact, I already have an idea for the title of the book.
I think I shall call it “On the Perpetuation of the Stupid”.
