As we slide joyously lamb-like into spring, guest numbers are once again on the rise; as, inevitably, are contenders for our much-coveted FUQwit of the Month Award.
Not unexpectedly, issues around environmentally appropriate attire continue to top the list of FUQs (that is: Frequently Unasked Questions – those queries which frankly should be raised; but alas, seldom are).
And as in previous years, we’ve counselled a succession of white-trainer-adventurers as to the true nature of spring and/or the great outdoors; which, though glorious in so many ways, does bring with it sharp frosts, showers, gales and (shocker!) muddy banks.
An indirect consequence of the cold, however – and one that surprised even me – is a multifaceted piece of FUQwittery which, given its relative commonality, must necessarily remain unattributed.
It is this:
“I see you have a number of large tree stumps arrayed around the site; presumably it is OK to burn these on the very small fire pits that you kindly provide?”
The answer of course is No; and for myriad reasons.
First up, said tree stumps are generally positioned to provide rustic, al fresco fireside seating.
Secondly, the wood is unseasoned – which means it does not burn effectively (rather it kicks out more smoke than a cremated crackhead).
Thirdly, the stumps themselves are generally larger than the fire pits upon which they are unceremoniously dumped; so damaging said fire pits in the process.
Oh, and finally: THEY’RE OUR STUMPS!
By way of comparison, imagine if you will nursing a revivifying tankard of house ale in your preferred hostelry, sat beside the dying embers of the fire, and thinking to yourself: I know; I’ll galvanise new life into this fellow… by hoofing a bar stool on top of it.
And not just any bar stool, mind; a bar stool which (being such):
- will not fit (meaning there’s a better than average chance you’ll block the chimney and/or raze the pub to the ground); and
- will not burn; meaning
- your actions will serve only to destroy said bar stool, whilst annoying to the edge of apoplexy Mein Otherwise Jovial Hoist.
You get the point.
The same principle applies to those long tree limbs which – rather than being, as folk seem to believe, scattered randomly and for no good reason – are actually designed to border our footpaths, and delineate the boundaries of each pod.
So, for the avoidance of all doubt:
Wood of any sort which is not purchased – either onsite or elsewhere (doesn’t have to be from us) – for the express purpose of burning… ain’t for burning.
Remaining with the topic of timber – or, if you will, TIM-BER! – a more recent, singularly leftfield, FUQ concerns a growing band of wanna-be lumberjacks, who on arrival fail to enquire:
“As we’ve brought our own axes, is it OK to chop down as many trees as we see fit?”
Now; setting aside the broader health and safety concerns – not to mention, the troubling question as to why one might take an axe on holiday in the first place (is there perhaps a special axe pocket, in the latest Samsonite luggage ranges?) – the answer, call me an old misery if you will, is also: No.
Rather, if there’s any tree surgery to be done, it will be for some good reason; and we’d prefer to get a professional in.
Thanks all the same.
