This morning, a first-time visitor to our onsite fishing tackle and bait shop posed the question: Do you sell large magnets?
My bewildered (pre first-coffee-of-the-day) ‘Err…no’ reply was indignantly batted away with the corollary: Why not? I thought all fishing shops sold large magnets.
Immediately and inevitably my mind was transported to ConThick23 – our much vaunted end-of-season Convention for the Chronically Thick, which is now just a few short weeks away.
In particular, I found myself reflecting on the year’s more memorable FUQs. That is: Frequently Unasked Questions – those queries which, experience shows, should have been raised in advance of guests’ stays, but – with often humiliating consequences – were not.
By way of example, contributions from previous FUQ of The Year Award Winners – aka FUQWits – have included:
* Can we charge our EV from the offgrid Gypsy Carriage?
* Is it OK to leave my baits in the water whilst I go to the shop?
* Can I use the No Naked Flames sign as a windbreak for my gas stove?
* And: why can’t I discard the smouldering embers from my fire pit next to those big propane tanks?
But alas, it seems, the bar has been set rather high: by comparison with previous years, the 2023 ‘long list’ of FUQwittery has proved somewhat disappointing. Not so, however, the following [absolutely genuine] enquiries which we’ve fielded over the last couple of weeks – in particular:
* How many people can we fit into your sleeps-3 pods (the answer, it transpires, is five)?
* Will it be cold in November?
* How long are your 9’ rod holdalls?
* My child just ate a worm; what are you going to do about it?
* My marker float has gotten tangled around the overhead power cables; who should I contact to turn them off?
* How much bait do I get in your 10kg boilie deal?
* Your listing states there’s no power to the bell tents; how will I run my CPAP (sleep apnoea) machine? [This latter, surprisingly common, query is seldom if ever posed prior to arrival.]
* I found these items in your £1 bins. How much are they?
* And of course, my personal favourite: What are you doing with that claw hammer?
This year, in addition to the perennially popular FUQwit Of The Year Award, ConThick23 will also showcase guests’ more physical talents, through a series of popular challenges of their own design – not least:
The ‘Trundle Bed Trampoline’ – wherein small children are encouraged to jump up and down on their beds as many times as are required to crush the frames to matchwood.
‘Crossing the channel’ – in which guests attempt to spare themselves a gruelling 60-yard hike by leaping across the steep-sided ten foot wide ‘beck’ which separates the two sides of the Moat.
Oh, and new this year we have the decidedly ‘niche’ but immensely entertaining (not to say illuminating) competition, provisionally and intuitively entitled: ‘How many solar lights can we stuff down our pants?’
Doubtless, over the course of the two day event, the local Fire Brigade will once again be called upon to demonstrate their highly prized skills.
And we’ll also be welcoming back those saucy septuagenarian monkeys, The Swinging Archibalds; who, as on many previous occasions, will share a few of their recent … umm, performances… as featured on their own self-styled ‘Only Nans’ video sharing platform.
Additional entertainment will be provided by our resident crooner – aka The Drunken Arse – who will belt out a range of crowd-pleasers, including (at least six times) that old favourite “Islands In the Stream”, until the police are finally called at around 4am.
All good family fun, you’ll agree. But of course there’s a serious, charitable side to the convention too; and for ConThick23 we’ll once again be focussing on mental health.
Specifically, that of the owners – with all proceeds being channelled directly and without deduction into a necessarily extensive wine store.
