I’m not going to lie: the last few years spent developing our glamping site and fishery have been… challenging. But it looks like we’re finally set to reap rewards – not least, in the form of a brand new side hustle, provisionally entitled:
Check-A-Twat –
a unique directory of contractors and suppliers, each of whom has been tried, tested… and proven to be so woefully inept in all respects as to defy statistical probability.
It’s a concept whose time has come.
Since we took ownership of the landfill site that was Miller Lakes, back in 2018, we have curated such an extensive network of opportunists, imbeciles and undesirables as to demand a second Rolodex (a necessity here, since broadband is apparently only available when a southwesterly wind coincides with a lunar eclipse).
Amongst this remarkable cornucopia of incompetents, you’ll find:
The electrician who couldn’t find an earth with a shovel; and whose ‘total offgrid solution’ proved insufficient to power a wendy house.
The civil engineer who didn’t own a laser level – and appeared to believe water ran uphill.
The bookkeeper who couldn’t add up.
The plumber, who recommended our showers be equipped with electric boilers – despite the site being entirely off-grid.
The drainage engineer, who’d struggle to flush a toilet; and who believed five feet either way was “probably close enough”.
And on, and on.
Needless to say, this kind of information, being hardwon, will not come cheap. But it could save similarly hapless ingenues an absolute fortune in the long term.
As you would expect, taking into account current (utterly ludicrous, in my view) laws with regard to slander – not to mention Sky’s e’er more capricious broadband (99% uptime, my ar*e) – we will not be publishing the new directory online.
Rather, heeding the experience of Norris and Ross Mcwhirter – whose register of lefty activist sorts spared good, God-fearing oligarchs from the worst ravages of trade union interference – our directory will be available on subscription, and in print form only.
As will our helpful, complementary guide, “Yes, it is your fault, you braindead cock-womble”: a checklist of the most common excuses employed by contractors to mitigate their failure – such as (but by no means limited to):
COVID,
BREXIT,
unseasonal weather (too hot/cold/wet/dry/windy/calm),
family emergency (sick dog, child identifying as duck, house blown away in storm),
Ukraine,
the failing NHS,
bird flu
and occasionally Jeremy Corbyn
– together with suggested (legally permissible) responses.
Now before you ask: Yes; we have worked with some really great contractors over the years; if we hadn’t, we wouldn’t be where we are today. But the problem with recommending reliable, competent firms is… they’re consequently not available to us when we need them.
Thus it is, we have listed only the many gits of our acquaintance, whose ‘services’ are best avoided.
A wizard wheeze, you’ll agree.
All that remains to be done, before we approach the Dragons, is to finalise a name for the new business.
Apropos: whilst I’ve always felt ‘Check-A-Twat’ encapsulates the essence of the new racket perfectly, a recent focus group has thrown up a few alternatives – not least…
Slated People;
Twit Adviser;
MyChancer;
BotchBase;
TrustPillock; and
Rent-A-****
(Granted, I initially felt the latter was a little strong – till I realised the contributor had simply abbreviated the word ‘contractor’.)
Regardless, whilst the jury is still ‘out’ vis a vis the ultimate monicker, I will not be moved on the accompanying strap line; one of which I am especially proud, and which I feel best sums up what is set to become the first and most comprehensive guide to identifying the region’s least reliable tradespeople – specifically:
“You’ll find them in the shed. With the rest of the tools.”
