With tether stretched to end-of-season breaking point, it is time I think to revisit our approach to guest communications. Thus it is, all else having failed, we have decided to employ a little ‘reverse psychology’ in our site rules, which have been summarily revised as follows:-
Preferred check-in times are midnight or later; on arrival, please either honk your car horn repeatedly, or stand at the entrance and shout, thus waking as many guests as possible, and ensuring they alert us to your presence promptly.
The main gate MUST be left open, especially late at night, enabling quick and easy access to as many thieves, vandals and other undesirables as possible. Similarly, between the hours of darkness (6pm to 8am) it is critical that all lake gates remain open, allowing a voracious otter population to help themselves to our (let’s be honest, thoroughly overpriced) carp stocks.
Visitors wishing to “just look around” are advised to drive past the office at speed, before abandoning their vehicles and entering the grounds unaccompanied; under no circumstances should staff be alerted to your presence. Needless to say, you should feel free to enter any and all of the cabins, whether occupied or not.
Anglers MUST use a minimum of five rods at all times; ideally, said rods should be spread around both lakes, and positioned a minimum of 200m from the angler’s accommodation (where necessary, lines may be suspended across the adjacent footpaths).
Baited hooks (barbed, naturally; trebles preferred) must remain in the water at all times – most notably whilst anglers are visiting the shop, ordering breakfast at Carol’s Kitchen, taking a shower and/or popping out to the pub.
Discarded rigs must be left baited and strategically positioned within easy beak-reach of passing ducks and chickens. Cigarette butts, tea bags, tins and half eaten food should be scattered around each cabin, hidden in the planters and / or thrown into the lakes or undergrowth.
With winter just around the corner (and a weather eye – pun intended – to the impending climate crisis), please ensure heaters are set to Maximum before vacating your accommodation for the day. Wherever possible, doors and windows should be left wide open whilst the cabins are unoccupied.
Open fires are mandatory; cutting down trees for use as unseasoned firewood is encouraged. (Forgotten your axe? Not to worry; please feel free to utilise the path markers and wooden furniture provided.)
If you insist on using one of our Health & Safety compliant ‘woke’ barbecues, please ensure these are positioned as close as possible (and ideally, inside) your accommodation. Hot ashes should be scattered either on the fresh turf, adjacent to the LPG tanks, or in any of the plastic (highly combustible) compost bins provided.
Note: gas cookers are not just great for al fresco cooking; they’re also just the thing for warming-up the cabins (which are both fully insulated and constructed entirely of wood). Just remember to remove the batteries from the smoke and carbon monoxide detectors before firing up your stove.
To ensure all guests can enjoy the full benefit of other residents’ vocal talents, we would ask that all drunken singalongs commence on or after 10pm, concluding no earlier than 2am, and should be of sufficient volume to register on nearby Cambridge University’s seismometers.
Wet dogs must sleep either on the furniture or under the duvets provided, and should be as muddy as possible before entering the accommodation. The dog beds are for use as doormats only.
Swimming in the lakes is actively encouraged; safe access points are clearly indicated by the helpful No Swimming signs, and by the presence of anglers and / or their equipment.
And finally, lest we forget:
Given the number of children roaming the grounds, a minimum speed limit of 70 MPH is now mandatory throughout the site.
There; I’m pretty sure that addresses the main issues. But, as always, if there’s anything else you can think of that might annoy your fellow guests, cause costly damage or require police intervention, just, well, crack-on.
And why not?
Rules were, after all, made to be ignored.
